


Phantom of the Sitcom (Epic Re-write Edition)

by crispydining (ameliakepner)



Series: Polycule Universe [1]
Category: Love Never Dies - Lloyd Webber, Phantom of the Opera - Lloyd Webber
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Humor, Christine/Raoul/Meg/Erik shenanigans, F/F, F/M, Fluff, I have no regrets, Inappropriate Humor, Multi, Polyamory, everybody is bisexual, gang of idiots, occasional breaking of the fourth wall, slightly out of character at times, some crackfic elements
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-12
Updated: 2020-06-12
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:46:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24584800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ameliakepner/pseuds/crispydining
Summary: When Christine and her many lovers go out on adventures...what chaos will ensue?
Relationships: Christine Daaé/Erik | Phantom of the Opera, Christine Daaé/Meg Giry, Erik | Phantom of the Opera/Meg Giry, Raoul de Chagny & Erik | Phantom of the Opera, Raoul de Chagny/Christine Daaé, Raoul de Chagny/Meg Giry
Series: Polycule Universe [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1791529
Comments: 8
Kudos: 17





	Phantom of the Sitcom (Epic Re-write Edition)

**Author's Note:**

> Introduction to the polycule. Christine and Meg see a psychic and reveal troubling news. Erik and Raoul get to know each other.

The wind blows through Christine’s long brown curls.  _ ‘What a day…’  _ She thinks. The young woman strolls about the small park in the early hours of the morning. Her red scarf is wrapped around her neck, fixed in place. 

Raoul runs up behind her, landing a massive smack on her ass.

_ “Hey!”  _ She exclaimed, before laughing as she saw her husband fall into the mud. The man lays there in shame for a long time.

“Do you plan on getting up any time soon?” Christine kneels down, staring him in the face.

_ “No.”  _ Raoul huffs.

Christine shakes her head, helping Raoul up out of the mud. “You are so clumsy. Maybe… just maybe.. Don’t smack my ass next time. Then  _ maybe  _ the universe will spare you from karmic mud accidents.”

They walk with their arms linked, completely ignoring Raoul’s mud dilemma.

Christine sniffles and coughs. “Guess what?”

“What? You’re sick?” Raoul looks down at his tiny, tiny wife. His absolute unit of a wife.

“Yeah. Sick of your bullshit.” Christine snarks back at him. So much personality is packed into this small human being. She giggles like a child. “Also, you smell funny.”

“I just fell into mud!”

Christine just laughs at him. They make their way back to the car and head in the direction of their cozy home. 

It’s appropriately sized for their chosen family. Raoul, Christine, Meg, and Erik. Do they sleep in separate rooms? No. Everybody sleeps with Christine. In more ways than one. As far as her two partners are aware… nothing has happened between her and Erik. Or has it?

That fact tends to start a bit of controversy in the household…

The brunette lays in her bed alone. A rare sight, really. Someone always wants cuddles. 

Just as she was enjoying her time alone, Erik comes up behind the mirror. He bumps his head, remembering that the passage was not open. Since they made the adjustment to the bedroom, Erik tends to be forgetful. “Ouch.”

“Christine? My sweet sweet angel darling?”

Christine sighs. “Yes?” She’s not really paying attention. 

Meg texts her from work.  _ ‘You plan on doing anything this morning? You gonna makeout with our basement dweller?’ _

_ ‘No lol’ _ Christine texts back. Well… let’s establish the fact that Miss Daae is a bit of a liar. Or as she puts it… she is just bending the truth a little bit. 

Erik opens the mirror door, walking into the room and going to stand at the foot of the bed. The masked man stands there, kind of just staring at her. As one does.

“You wanted something?” The woman sits up. She’s hoping to get lucky. It’s been a while.

Erik slowly crawls up into bed, giving her a kiss on the lips. Even if it was unexpected, Christine kisses him back with passion. Erik gets scared and runs away. Very fast.

Christine raises an eyebrow. She sighs with disappointment. “I was so close. So so close.”

She hops off the bed, chasing Erik down to the basement. 

Apparently she startled him, because the second she entered the room, he jumped… and shrieked.

“Christine!” Erik has a smile on his face. Another one of those rare sights. He’s usually very very grumpy. However, the tiny soprano has a cure for that. 

“Hi.” Christine stands there innocently. It’s her own fault for not being able to communicate her desires. 

“Do you want something, my love?” 

Well… you readers out there should be able to figure out the rest of that scene. 

A whole afternoon passes, and now our lovely protagonist, Christine Daae, is picking up her best gal pal Meg. 

The blonde woman gets into the car. She’s completely exhausted.

“What did they do to you?” Christine comments while snickering.

“Oh god. Everything.” Meg pants. “I’m scared to go back.” She chucks her purse into the back of the car. “Toddler ballerinas are ruthless.”

“I can see that.” Christine shakes her head. She leans over and kisses Meg on the cheek. “I’ve missed you.”

“Something’s different.” Meg gives her a look. 

The brunette has a bit of a panic moment. “I kissed him!”

“CHRISTINE!” Meg lightly slaps her arm. “Why would you do that?”

There are many things that she could have said to get herself out of trouble here…. But she screws it. Like how she screwed Erik. Two times…

Today.

For the sake of Christine’s dignity…. We’re not going to mention the other times.

“I don’t know! He was just there….and all sexy!”

“He has HALF a face.” Meg responds.

“He has lips and a tongue.” Christine mentions, mentally going through the events of this morning again. 

“EW! Christine! Stop!”

“Am I wrong? Are you going to look at me and tell me I’m wrong?” Christine actively defends herself and her horny actions.

“I don’t wanna think about Erik’s lips & tongue!” 

“Welll…..I’m certainly thinking about them.” The brunette sighs. 

Meg slaps her gently on the arm. “You’re lucky I love you.” She shakes her head. “Was he a good kisser at least?”

“Why? You wanna try him out for yourself?” Christine teases her, leaning over to poke her. She starts driving again, heading in the direction of their house. “He’s amazing.” She lets out a sigh, immediately then taking in a dramatic breath. Her eyes seem to sparkle as she thinks of her masked lover. 

Meg observes this strange behaviour, just watching as her girlfriend continues to rant about Erik. The guy who lives in their basement. She’s a tad jealous of Erik for getting Christine’s affections, which then prompts a pang of envy in her heart. She can’t help but long for more of her girlfriend’s love. It’s not that Christine doesn’t pay attention to her… because she certainly does. It’s just that Meg doesn’t have the ability to sense if someone truly loves her or not unless it's being directly shown to her. She thinks of the unfairness and how the brunette should be ranting about how much she loves  _ HER _ . Meg loses herself in thought for a long,  _ long _ time. 

“...and so he uses his tongue to do this  _ thing  _ that immediately drives me over the edge-” Christine side-eyes her blonde girlfriend. “Babe? Are you even listening to this? Earth to Meg…..” She coos.

“Oh.” Meg springs up. “Yeah, baby, I’m listening.” She has a sense of intense possessiveness that hits her. It doesn’t feel good. She hates this part of herself more than anything. ‘ _ I don’t own Christine _ .  _ She is free to be with whoever she wishes… we established that with Raoul when we all got together…’  _ The young blonde attempts to reassure herself. ‘ _ She loves me too _ .’

Christine continues to rant until they reach the house. Meg takes this chance to lean over and bring her in for a long kiss. 

“Awe.. princess.” The brunette tucks stray hairs behind Meg’s ears. “Someone needs some loving.” Hearing her say that causes Meg’s angst to soothe itself. A hot makeout sesh in the car and a few accidental horn honks later… they actually go back inside holding hands.

“Hello ladies.” Raoul greets them at the door. He’s wearing his usual white boy outfit. Dirty t-shirt and khaki shorts. 

“You have other clothes, you know?” Meg comments, pointing to every stain.

“Cool it, ballerina, I was just about to change.”

“Were you? Were you  _ reaaallyyy _ ?” Christine smirks. She leans in to kiss him after Meg does.

They all snuggle up on the couch together, a nice blanket over all of them.

“So..how’s the new job?” Raoul looks at the blonde. He ruffled her hair a little bit. 

“I  _ love  _ being terrorized by tiny ballerinas. It’s a  _ dream _ come true.” Meg remarks sarcastically. “I kid. It’s decent otherwise. I’m glad that I get to continue my mother’s legacy.”

“I miss your mom. She was fucking terrifying. She was a good mentor though.” Christine laughs. “Especially back at the old ballet studio, when she first took me in. I’m still so grateful for everything she’s ever done for my family.” She squeezes Meg’s hand. 

“Why are you guys talking about Madame Giry like she’s dead?”

Christine and Meg give each other a look. “We’re not.”

Raoul appears to ignore the subject, moving on to talk to his wife. He pokes Christine. “So… when are  _ you  _ getting a job?”

Christine rolls her eyes. “I don’t know. At my last job interview, they called me a whore.”

“You’re going to be mad at people for stating facts?” Raoul jokes, poking her again.

“Hey!” Christine hits him in the face with a pillow. “I did  _ ONE _ semi-slutty thing  _ ONE _ time.  _ IT WAS ONE TIME! _ ” She insists.

“Was it, Christine? Was it reaalllyy?” Raoul gives her a certain look. 

“Uhh, yeah. One time. And I didn’t finish either time that night. Not once.” Christine sticks her tongue out at him as she throws another pillow in his face.

Raoul gasps. “You liar!”

Meg just watches awkwardly. She laughs at this whole ordeal. 

“Don’t DJ the vee-jay, Raoul!” Christine continues to use the couch cushions as weapons. “Be gentle next time.”

“I’m hating every minute of this conversation.” Meg finally speaks up. She tries to remember the events of that night, though it all comes up blurry.

“You were there!” Raoul and Christine say to her.

“I wish I wasn’t.” The blonde takes a sip from her water bottle. 

“You’re a girl, you should know how to get another one off!” Christine points at her. “Same anatomy, bitch.”

Meg gets defensive. “It was my first time!” She takes the pillow that Christine threw to throw it back at her. “Bitch.”

Pillows are consistently thrown across the room at each person, until they all decide that they’re tired and wanna sit back down.

“All things considered… That's one night I’ll never forget. Holding you in my arms, falling asleep in our bed…”

Christine raises an eyebrow. She gives him a confused look and makes a statement. “That wasn’t me.”

Raoul gets another, equally confused, look from his other girlfriend. “Not me either.” The blonde shrugs.

“Then who was I cuddling?” Raoul wonders out loud. He was not prepared for what was about to happen.

The masked figure shows himself, walking into the living room. He stares at the mess of thrown cushions.

“Erik! You’re awake.” Christine’s whole face lights up.

“Unfortunately.” He snarks. “Ah… my dear Christine. Sweet angel of music.” 

“Hey. Not now. We can’t flirt. Now is the time for investigation!” Christine insists, standing up and going to the front of the room.

Raoul and Meg both now stare at Erik. They experience the same possessiveness over Christine in this moment.

“No, darling, No.” Erik fully steps in front of the couch the other two are sitting on. “It was me, of course. I cuddled Raoul.”

That comment earns Erik a strange glare from every single person in that room.

“What? A man gets lonely sometimes. I live in your basement, Christine. I have no friends and you only come to give me attention when you...desire things.” Erik crosses his arms. 

“Oh man. Tell me about it.” Raoul shakes his head, letting out a dramatic sigh. 

“Oh my god! It was one time!” Christine rushes to defend herself to her male lovers.

Erik looks around to face her. “Was it, my dear Christine, was it reaalllyy?”

Christine crosses her arms. “Can’t a girl want two men at the same time?”

“For your information… it was two men and a lady!” Meg chimes in at last.

“I forgot you were here, Meg.” Christine snickers.

“Everybody does.” 

The whole gang spends the rest of the night together for the first time. When the ladies are tired enough to want to sleep, they each go to their respective rooms. For once. 

Meg isn’t in the mood to be all soft with Christine. Raoul and Erik are busy. As the author desires the story to remain at least PG-13… she will not mention what exactly they got up to. 

Christine is kept awake by...noises. She gets up to go to Meg’s room.

“...Baby?” She softly knocks on the door. The brunette is hoping that her female lover is still awake.

Meg gets up from her bed, slightly opening the door. “Yea?” She lets out a sigh. “I’m not gonna have sex with you.” She states very bluntly.

“I’m having trouble sleeping.”

“Who wouldn’t be?” Meg snickers, looking in the direction of the basement door. 

“Can I come sleep with you?” Christine gives her a pout. She wants to convince her to cuddle. Though it does not take much convincing. 

Meg desires the attention in the first place. She gives in to Christine. As usual. What a simp.

“Yeah, honey.” She motions for the smaller girl to come in.

“When was the last time you slept in here?” Christine looks around at the very untouched room.

Meg pauses. “Hmm. I don’t know.”

Christine gets on the bed, climbing underneath the covers. Meg smiles at her as her tiny girlfriend pouts. She feels a rush of love come into her heart.

The two women snuggle up together. It’s extremely intimate. They don’t usually get to be alone like this, however, tonight was a different occasion. Meg runs her hands through Christine’s soft curls, giving her scalp a massage. The brunette starts singing a gentle melody, as she relaxes into Meg’s arms. 

“My Christine…” Meg can’t help but hold her impossibly close. She places a kiss on Christine’s forehead. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Christine is already half-asleep. All she really wanted was to be held. She won’t ever say it out loud, but she loves being snuggled. She acts all annoyed when everyone wants to share one bed, but deep down...It’s the one thing she looks forward to when she goes to sleep at night. She especially loves when she gets to be close to Meg. She loves her husband and boyfriend, but being with Meg fills her with complete, pure bliss. “Hey...Can I ask you something?” The soprano mumbles.

Meg slightly raises an eyebrow. She adjusts the duvet so that it’s mostly on top of Christine. She sticks her leg out from under it because she’s too hot. “Yea?”

“Are you okay with me and Raoul adding Erik into our little.. Thing? You didn’t seem to be too happy with him being there this afternoon.” Christine’s eyes are droopy. She can’t seem to keep them open. 

Meg tucks curls behind Christine’s ears. She continues to play with her hair. “Baby… You don’t need to ask me permission to do things. I just don’t… know him that well yet.”

“I’m worried that I upset you when I spoke about him in the car. You weren’t that interested.” She frowns.

Meg chuckles. “You didn’t upset me. I got a little jealous, yeah. The thing is...and don’t tell Raoul… but you are my favourite person in the whole world. You’ve been my best friend since we were kids. We trained together in the ballet. My mom took you in and treated you like a daughter. You’re like my sister.”

“Because we’ve had sex before...I’m going to pretend like you didn’t say that last part.” Christine gives Meg a cute, tiny kiss on her lips. “You mean the world to me…” She yawns.

Meg tears up a little. “It feels so good to hear you say that. I get scared that you’ve stopped loving me sometimes. I know it’s irrational but...I can’t help it.”

“You’re adorable…” Christine trails off. She passes out on top of Meg. 

The rest of the night is quiet. Meg doesn’t sleep for a while. She protects Christine with her life, watching over her as she sleeps silently with an occasional sleepy mumble. 

Meg hits Christine with a pillow in the late morning. “Hey. You. Wake up.”

Christine is now awake. “Why?”

“I just had the greatest idea, and I think you’re  _ gonna like it _ .” Meg’s emphasis was on the last few words.

“What’s on your mind?” The sleepy soprano mumbles. 

“Okay. Okay. Hear me out...Naked laser tag.”

“ _ What _ ?”

Meg stands up on the bed. “Naked. Laser. Tag.” She throws another pillow at her.

“Naked? They offer that option?” Christine catches the pillow, sitting up.

“Not legally, no. But they can’t stop us all.” An evil grin spreads across Meg’s face. 

Christine faceplants into a pillow. “I’m  _ not  _ getting naked in a room full of strangers.” 

“Hmm.” Meg huffs.

“Oh my god. Meg, seriously? It was  _ one _ time.”

Meg crosses her arms. “Was it  _ reaaaalllly _ , Christine? Was it really?”

Christine rolls her eyes. “I’m going back to sleep. Don’t bug me.” She puts a pillow onto her head and smashes her face into the bed.

Three massive knocks are heard. The two women groan and are immediately greeted with Raoul standing at the door with breakfast on plates. 

“ _ Gooooooood _ Mornin’, ladies.”

“Hi, Raoul.” Meg & Christine say at the same time.

Raoul walks into the room with confidence and a shit-eating grin on his face.

“I’ve brought food-” The young man looks down at his wife. “Woah. Babe. You’re looking really bloated.”

“Is this your way of telling me that I’m fat?” Christine sits up again to face him. Her hair is wild, extremely untamed. She has a major bedhead. “Listen… I’m not getting fat. I’m just getting up and ready for-”

Raoul interrupts her. “Blah, blah, blah. So...Erik and I had an idea.”

Christine groans again. “I don’t  _ care _ .” She slams her face into a pillow. 

“Woah, woah, Miss Daae. You’re not gonna try and kill me again, are you? Because...well… if you are, then I’m gonna have to use these omelettes I made and throw them at your face.” Raoul laughs at his annoyed wife.

“ _ Seriously _ ?” Christine looks at him.

“I’m defenseless otherwise, honey.” He shrugs. “You are ruthless. So much attitude.” 

The short girl huffs and stands up, she moves to the doorframe, looking out into the hall. 

“Oh, _ Erik _ !” Christine shouts. Just like that, Erik was already coming up the stairs at the speed of light.

“Yes, my darling?”

“Am I a threat?” Christine’s hands go to her hips. Anyone could tell that she’s clearly pissy from her tone of voice and the look on her face.

Erik looks to Meg, then Raoul, then back at Christine. She’s got a scary vibe to her that in itself, answers her question.

“ _ Yes _ .” Erik pauses before continuing.

Christine is quite shocked, to say the least. 

“Raoul is right about the omelettes. He needs the projectiles.” The masked man points out to them. 

Raoul makes a face at Christine. He sticks out his tongue.

“ _ How _ am  _ I _ , a five foot tall little lady, scary?” Have you ever met a distressed toddler?”

Christine stands directly in front of him, staring up at him with a sour face. She crosses her arms and makes a noise of annoyance. “I know my husband very well, thank you.”

Raoul speaks up to protest. “Hey!”

Erik makes his way over to his male lover. “I can’t deny that you are very whiny. Very reminiscent of a child who cannot get McDonald’s and insists on making everyone else’s eardrums suffer for it.” 

“Very well put, my love.” Christine snickers. She walks back over to the bed to sit on Meg’s lap. 

Meg runs her hands through Christine’s long hair. She grabs her comb from the nightstand and helps tame the brunette’s bedhead. She is extra gentle, as to not hurt Christine. She doesn’t contribute to the conversation. Meg just silently watches them go back and forth.

“Nobody can tell me I’m wrong. I know I’m right.” Erik makes a point, while stealing food off one of the plates that Raoul was carrying. 

“Hmm.” Christine makes a noise.

“What?” Erik turns his head to look at her.

“The thing is...if  _ anyone _ tells you that you’re wrong, you get angry.” The younger woman moves her hair out of the way, handing it to Meg. “Remember that  _ one time  _ you insisted that the word ‘Mississippi’ had six i’s?” She pauses. “You destroyed my  _ Scrabble _ board.”

Raoul and Meg burst out laughing at them. “Oh my god.”

“It was  _ Words with Friends _ , Christine.  _ Scrabble _ is beneath me.” Erik tries to point out. “I was right!”

“ _ Where _ do the other two i’s go?” Raoul manages to squeak out despite his incessant laughter.

“Between the M and the I, Raoul! Don’t be a fool! You  _ know _ how spelling works!”

“Ugh. I really don’t want to deal with this.” Christine gets up from Meg’s lap, walking over to the full body mirror. She spends a bit of time checking herself out. She pulls her shorts off to check out her ass.

Her three lovers suddenly grow quiet.

“Why did it get so quiet all of a-?” Christine turns around to see her lovers pretending like they weren’t intensely staring at her. “Sudden?” She shakes her head and goes back to what she was doing. 

Meg, Raoul, and Erik try to make meaningless conversation, despite them all being distracted. For obvious reasons.

The masked man grabs the blanket and throws it over his bottom half.

Raoul can’t help but snicker. Meg notices this as well. They stare at each other while Erik becomes increasingly more flustered.

Christine changes out of her shirt, leaving herself in only her bra and underwear.

Raoul quickly goes under the blanket with Erik. They share a look of horny solidarity.

“Why are you guys being so weird?” Christine looks back in their direction again. She covers her mouth when she smirks. The short girl looks at the boys. 

The men speak in unison. “No reason.” 

Meg can’t help but start laughing with Christine. 

“You’re um...looking very full these days, my sweet.” Erik smiles, obviously doing the most to hide his arousal. 

“I work out.” The brunette snickers. “Anyway...I’ve gotta put some real clothes on. I’ll come hangout later when I’m in the mood.” Christine steals a plate from Raoul, intentionally shaking her ass as she walks away. She goes into her room, closing the door.

Later on during the day, Meg and Christine are out on a scenic walk through the neighbourhood. 

“You know, babe, I think you should see a psychic.” Meg pipes up after a few minutes of silence. 

Christine raises an eyebrow. “Why?” She hooks her arm around Meg’s again.

“It could be beneficial.” Meg shrugs, going to give Christine a kiss.

Christine smiles. “You actually believe in that stuff?”

“Okay, listen. One time, I went to this lady and she told me that in the future, I was gonna ask for a refund because she sucked. And guess what?”

“What?”

“She was right!” Meg exclaimed. “I never did get my money back…” She sighs. “Well...I guess everybody’s gotta get their coin.”

“Can’t argue with that.” Christine takes a turn down a different street with Meg by her side. Now, the two women are on their way to see Meg’s  _ ‘psychic’ _ . It did not take them long, as they walked quickly to the downtown area. When they walk inside, the door of the shop rings and the girls are greeted with a dimly candle-lit room. The psychic is seated at a round table with a massive crystal ball in the middle. Many decorations are among the walls, including a very crude painting of a woman getting fucked by a wolf. ‘ _ Different strokes for different folks, I guess _ ’, Christine thinks to herself. She marvels at the intricate detail of the wolf...genitals? She is taken out of her trance by Meg as she motions for her to sit down at the table. 

“You have some...interesting art.” Christine remarks, to the cloaked woman sitting across from her.

“I’m very proud of my son’s work.” The psychic affirms. “He takes commissions on  _ FurAffinity _ .”

“Good to know.” Meg tries not to laugh. She takes a deep breath and places her hands on the ball with Christine.

The psychic makes strange noises as everybody stares at the crystal. “I sense fertility. The birth of new life into your own. Christine, is it?”

Christine simply nods. She listens carefully to the woman in front of her.

“...And you, Meg, are very torn. On the inside, you are caught between many lovers.”

Meg gives Christine a look that just reads; ‘ _ Should we tell her? _ ’. 

“On the outside, you appear to be strong… despite your internal conflicts. You’re in pain. Perhaps there is a hint of envy in your heart. You feel as though your lover..or lovers… do not love you as you love them.” 

Meg looks down. Christine side-eyes her girlfriend. She places one hand on top of Meg’s.

“..While that may not be the case, you certainly struggle a lot with the fear of it.” The psychic sits back. “Am I correct?”

Christine is dwelling on her reading a bit too much when she asks this, “Am I pregnant?”

That prompts the lady to grab hold of Christine’s palms. She circles her palm with her index finger. “I cannot say for certain. However, I can say that if you desire to bear a child, now would be the ideal time for conception.”

Christine nods. “I do want a baby.” She looks at Meg, who is smiling. 

The psychic continues, “Though...I’m getting a reading that your child might not be… as you first expect them to be.”

“What in the world does that mean?” The brunette is confused by this statement.

The psychic stands up.

The two women stare up at her, still very bewildered. 

She claps the lights back on, and blows out the candles. “....Well that concludes our mini-session.”

“Huh?” Meg’s eyebrow is raised.

“Dude. You can’t just drop a bomb like that and expect us not to say anything!” Christine exclaims.

The woman shrugs. “Sorry. If you desire a longer session, that’ll have to be booked in advance. Additionally, you must put down a deposit of $500. Plus $50 for shipping and handling fees.”

Meg and Christine stare at each other, before turning their looks of surprise to the woman. 

“Shipping and handling? For the people who sit directly in front of you?” Meg questions. “You didn’t do this to me last time.” She crosses her arms.

“Those are my rules. Updated as of yesterday. You should have gotten an email.” The psychic puts her materials away. “Anyway. Your session today cost $100. Hand it over or else.” 

“Or what? Are you gonna curse my baby that doesn’t even exist?” Christine gets a tad too sassy.

“Oh, why of course. He will be ugly. I’ll make sure of it.” The psychic makes a point to poke Christine on the shoulder. 

“Like what? Deformed?”

“Yup.” The psychic says, very matter-of-factly.

“How do we know that he’s not  _ already _ ugly?” Meg retorts, somehow making the whole situation worse. 

The psychic stands there for a bit. She appears to be wondering how she didn’t think of that beforehand. “....Hmm. Well, then that sucks for you.”

Christine facepalms and shakes her head.

“Don’t even think of coming back!!”

Meg and Christine are thrown out of the store, the door aggressively closed behind them. 

“That was...something else…” Meg breaks the silence between them. “Maybe she’s having an off day?” She suggests, while her girlfriend turns to show her sour face.

“Babe.” Christine usually doesn’t get annoyed so easily, but today seems to also have her on her last nerve. She takes a deep breath. 

Meg raises a brow. “What?”

“Is it really so bad that our hypothetical child isn’t the most beautiful creature on the planet?” Christine is defensive.

“I mean-” Meg isn’t sure how to react.

“Would you even love our baby if they turned out to be ugly?”

“Of course I would, honey.” Meg tries to console Christine. But the usual soft touches that the brunette loves are pushed away.

Christine shakes her head. They decide to take a trip to the drugstore. The walk is silent for the most part until they reach the crosswalk. She gives up on being mad when they cross the street and insists on holding Meg’s hand. 

“Are you actually gonna see if you’re pregnant?”

Christine sounds exhausted. “My period is late.” 

Meg doesn’t say anything more, as to not agitate her tiny devil any more than she already has. 

“You know what else makes me mad?” Christine stops when they’re on the sidewalk again, and turns to face Meg. 

“What makes you mad, baby?” Meg is using her softest voice possible. Her choice to stay silent is not effective here. Christine is just going to keep talking. The angry girl goes on and on for about twenty minutes about completely unrelated things. It persists even while they walk through the aisles of the store, picking up some other items they need. 

“Mmhm. Yup.” Meg doesn’t exactly know what she’s agreeing to at this point. 

“-And you  _ never _ listen to me. You’re doing it right now.” Christine sounds intensely exasperated as she goes on her tiptoes to grab a pregnancy test. “Why the  _ fuck  _ are these shelves so high?” She groans.

“Chrissy-”

“Do not.” Christine points at her. “No words from you. There’s… way too much going on right now. This potential pregnancy thing is just making things worse.”

Meg nods.

“If I’m pregnant, it’s not even Raoul’s baby.”

Meg gasps, with surprise. 

“Yeah. I know. He got shot in the balls at the age of 17.”

Meg is now even more surprised. She now chooses to speak up. “I mean… it's not like he would be mad. He knows that you and Erik fuck.”

“He doesn’t, actually. I haven’t told him yet. He only knows about the oral.”

“Christine…” 

The young soprano sighs. “I know. I know. I’m going to tell him tonight.”

“-And if you’re pregnant?” Meg takes hold of the pregnancy test, throwing it in their basket.

“I don’t know what I’m gonna do.” Christine looks down to the floor. 

“Well since we know for sure that Erik and Raoul have been together, we can only assume that they’re like men and tell each other all their sexual encounters. Maybe you’re off the hook?” Meg makes an attempt to be positive. “And hey...if our baby has half a face, I’ll still love them.”

“Meg. Cmon. That’s not funny.” Christine walks with her girlfriend to the checkout lines.

“I’m being serious. You asked me if I would love our ugly child… and I would.”

“Please stop calling my hypothetical baby ugly.” Christine gives her a  _ look _ . 

Now, the men are up to something else at home. They are seated around a tiny Barbie princess play table. On the table, they have a pot of tea, and various tea cups. Let’s also not forget the tea party attire. Erik and Raoul both have their respective tiaras. The absolute essential item for princess tea parties.

“-The flavour of this tea… absolutely exquisite.” Erik takes a small sip, before lightly clinking his cup with Raoul’s.

“So….I have a question.” Raoul pipes up. 

Erik places his cup onto the table, turning all of his attention to Raoul. “What’s troubling you?”

“Christine.”

Erik gets a little defensive. “Why?”

“She doesn’t um….” Raoul pauses. “How do I say this? She doesn’t find pleasure from our...encounters.”

Erik snickers. “Oh my.” He sips his tea. Very similar to the Kermit the Frog meme. “I guess she’s just used to being with me.” 

“Huh?” Raoul raises an eyebrow.

“Oh, you didn’t know? I assumed she would’ve told you.” 

Raoul shakes his head. He takes a drink of tea before speaking. “No. Christine doesn’t talk about what she does with other men. I don’t really want to know, most of the time. She tells me about everything she does with Meg though.”

“Everything?” Erik leans in, becoming extra interested. 

Raoul nods. “Oh yeah.  _ Everything _ .”

Erik steers the conversation back to what they were originally talking about. “So. I’ve read a lot of women’s erotica. I know what they like.”

“Go on.” Raoul becomes intrigued. 

“A woman’s perspective on pleasure is insanely important. I could lend you some essentials.” Erik pulls a single book out of his coat. Then a magazine out from under the couch. He then takes a vibrator out of his pocket. 

Raoul is amazed. “Do you hide these things  _ all _ over the house?”

“You  _ don’t _ ?”

Now, the women are up to something else. They’re attempting to answer the ultimate question,  _ ‘Is Christine pregnant?’ _ . They stopped at the nearby gas station.

“You okay in there?” Meg knocks on the door.

“Come see this.” Christine unlocked the door to allow Meg to come into the single-stall bathroom.

The finished pregnancy test was in the sink.

Meg peers into the sink, while Christine looks away. “Oh…”

“Yeah. I know.”

Erik and Raoul are busy trading sex secrets. As ‘straight’ men tend to do. How typical. 

“So… it really  _ wasn’t _ just one time?” Raoul acts shocked, though… deep down he is not.

“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!”

“That little minx! She lied right to my face.” Raoul shakes his head.

“She lied to  _ all _ of our faces, Raoul.” Erik places a hand on his shoulder. “I was hurt when I found out too. It gets better.”

“I can’t believe what I’m hearing. Just imagine how many other things weren’t  _ just _ one time.” Raoul makes an exasperated sigh. 

Erik just laughs nervously. He stays silent after that, finishing his tea.

“What?”

“Hmm. You’re in for a treat…” Erik trails off.

Christine and Meg have linked arms as they walk down the streets. Whatever was found out at the gas station was completely ignored, for the sake of drama that the author decided to insert. Woops. 

“Can I confess something?” Meg pipes up randomly. “It’s...kinda serious.”

Christine side-eyes her.

“I bought a gun.” 

“Another one?” Christine questions her, stopping their walk in its tracks. She turns to face her.

Meg becomes suddenly anxious. “How do you know about my other one?”

“Gee. I wonder how I know.” Christine crosses her arms. 

“It was  _ one _ time!”

“Was it really, Meg? Was it  _ reeaaaallly _ ?” Christine makes a point to gesture to her stomach.

_ Now picture this: Meg and Raoul rushing Christine to the emergency room after a camping trip gone wrong. Very very wrong.  _

_ ‘Raoul. Give the gun back. Now.’ Meg is trying to chase the much faster man in the woods. Christine is trailing behind. Meg eventually gets it back….but at what cost? _

_ She accidentally pulls the trigger and the bullet goes straight through Christine’s stomach. She falls down into the dirt. Both people panic and pick the bleeding woman up. Raoul is driving the car while Christine and Meg are in the back. Meg puts pressure on Christine’s wound, trying to get her to stop bleeding. _

_ The surgeons at the hospital immediately take Christine up to surgery.  _

“Okay. Listen. It was an accident.” The blonde makes an attempt to defend herself. 

“I know, I know.” Christine sighs. “But why did you buy another one?”

Meg laughs. For a long time. She has a look of fear on her face as she admits what exactly happened to the other one. “I lost it.”

“How do you  _ lose _ a massive shotgun?”

Meg shrugs. “Uhhh….”

“Oh my god. Do you know how dangerous that is?”

“Yes! That’s why I hid it in the first place.” Meg snaps back.

“You were never that great at hide n seek….” Christine recalls the times they spent in the ballet studio as children.

_ ‘Ready or not, here I come!’ Little Christine exclaims, running around and beginning to look for her fellow ballerinas. _

_ Little Meg searches for somewhere to hide, in a panic because she can hear Christine coming down the hallway. She hides behind a near transparent curtain. The little girl tries hard not to laugh or make any noises at all, as to not arouse suspicion. _

_ Little Christine just sighs as she enters the room Meg is hiding. She ruffles her hair, pushing her long curls out of the way of her face.  _

_ “You couldn’t have picked a better hiding spot?” _

“Listen. I was 8 years old.” Meg laughs.

“Do you remember how huge the ballet studio was? You actively  _ chose _ to hide behind a sheer curtain. That’s all on you.” Christine snickers at Meg. 

“You know I’m not good under pressure!”

“Okay. Okay.” Christine shakes her head. “We need to focus on the matter at hand.”

“The gun or the fact that you’re…?”

“Stop. Obviously the gun.” Christine huffs a sound of annoyance. “We aren’t going to talk about the other thing.”

Meg’s eyes widened. “Wait...we aren’t?”

Christine groans. “No.” The mere mention of that...thing seems to have struck a nerve within the brunette. Whatever it is, it’s upset her enough to gain an attitude with Meg.

“I don’t know where it could have gone.” Meg shrugs. Her palm goes to her forehead. She takes a deep breath. “Let’s just go home, baby.”

“Fine.”

The ladies make their way back to their home. Despite Christine’s previous attitude, she still walks close to her girlfriend. As usual, she insists on holding hands. Meg doesn’t hold it against her, considering how serious the  _ thing _ is.

Erik and Raoul are up to something else. Something special for their ladies. Erik brings all his favourite candles upstairs to light up the room. 

“Dude. How much money do you spend at  _ Bath & Body Works _ ?” Raoul remarks, as he marvels at his boyfriend’s candle collection. 

“More than I care to admit.” 

Raoul gets started on the meal. His various cookbooks are left open on the counters. He is gathering ingredients from the shelves, bringing them down on the free space left. “Hey, man. I’ve got to say, I really love having you around.” He comments, turning his head to look at Erik. “I’m glad to have you be a part of our  _ polycule _ .” Raoul chuckles, his face flushing red.

“Polycule? That’s an  _ interesting _ term.” Erik has a lighter, going around and lighting each candle carefully. “I’m simply glad to be appreciated by so many people. You, Christine, and Meg have been very accepting.  _ Considering _ …” His insecurities come through in the way he speaks, and the mask he wears isn’t just a physical one. “This  _ face _ .” He shakes his head. He doesn’t want Raoul to look at him. Verbally admitting his insecurities takes a lot out of him.

Raoul stops what he’s doing for a moment to go over to Erik. He wishes to comfort the masked man. “We love your face. All of it, man.” He holds up a hand. “Secret handshake?” His goofy smile flashing. “ _ Cmon _ .”

Erik and Raoul do their special handshake that they came up with earlier, both men laughing when they finish it with an ass smack. The fun moment turns tender when Raoul softly grabs the taller man’s face, bringing him in for a gentle kiss. Erik feels guilty when he realizes that this beautiful man wants  _ him. _ He believes it is a waste of his attractions. Something that Erik just doesn’t deserve. 

“We love you.” Raoul boops Erik’s nose. That then prompts the masked man to raise an eyebrow of confusion. 

The blonde man returns to the other side of the kitchen to start cooking. Erik comes to help him finish dinner before the girls finally come home. 

Christine walks inside first. “Woah… what’s all this?”

The two men are waiting at the front foyer for them. They step aside to allow Meg & Christine to walk into the kitchen.

“This is so  _ beautiful _ .” Meg is amazed at how romantic the scene was. She breathes in the lovely scent of dinner and various candles that were lit up. Raoul pulls out the chairs, and guides his ladies to their seats. Erik brings the food to the table, placing it in front of them. Everybody sits down to eat together for the first time. Erik has finally found a place where he belongs, with Christine, Meg, and Raoul.

This was the start of their life together. They hope that it will last forever. Though you never know what the future holds.

**Author's Note:**

> This story was originally written as a parody script. When I showed it to a few friends, I made the decision of completely overhauling the story and rewriting it into a proper story format. 
> 
> Thank you for reading! Expect chapter 2, 'Geese Never Die' very soon!


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